I promised myself

last time I wrote that I would blog more. That I wouldn't neglect this, but I have. I've been trying to figure myself and what I want out, and it's taken a toll on my blogging and for that I am sorry. It was so easy to get through the first year, talking about everything from finding out that my mom was pregnant up to her first birthday, photoshoot, holidays.. all the way to the point where my mom, step dad and sister moved, which I talked about a few posts back. It's so easy to share the pictures, but it's so hard at the same time. Wishing that I was the one there taking them, living the moments with her, watching her grow up. But sometimes, that's not what life allows, and I'm hoping to change that soon. I want to talk about my visit to California, and share some thoughts. The last time I had seen e-v, she was crawling and standing occasionally, but when holding onto things. She wasn't walking, and she was saying few words. Her hair was long enough to fit into a little ponytail, she was still a baby to me. A year went by before I finally got the chance to go out to Cali and see everyone that I had missed so much. I was so nervous.. people had filled my head with thoughts like "do you think e-v will even remember you? Last time you saw her and was 1 and a half and now she's Almost 2 and a half.. that's a long time to go without knowing someone" It killed me every time someone uttered that phrase to me. It wasn't even something that had crossed my mind, but it had taken a hold of me and honestly frightened me. The months leading up to the trip all I could think is what if they're right? What if I go out there and she doesn't even remember me? What if she looks at me like I'm a stranger instead of her sissy? What if I want to hold her and she cries because she doesn't know who I am? But time passed by as it always does, and it was the morning of the flight. I was excited, I was scared, I was happy, I can't even describe all of the things that I felt boarding that plane and waiting for take off. I had to try and force myself to sleep, I hadn't been on a plane in a while and the anxiety was getting the best of me. Finally my boyfriend Remi and I landed in Chicago, where we immediately had to board the other plane (of course I found a spare second to purchase some magazines, as I had already finished the book I brought). All I could think of was how close we were! In just a few hours, I'd be living a completely different life than the one we had just left behind in Rhode Island, even if it was only for a few days. We landed and arrived in the airport, where I didn't see anyone.. I was confused, but as we kept walking I realized that airport rules had changed and there was probably a waiting area farther away from where you board. We followed the signs that led to an escalator. As we descended, I saw them there!! The first thought I had was wow they are so tan.. I'm jealous! Followed by complete happiness! I ran up and hugged everyone and we made our way to the luggage pick up (which we left to the men), while my mom and I hugged some more and took pictures with us and e-v. Then we had the guys take even more pictures of the girls and then my mom had me hold e-v. She was a lot heavier than I remembered! I didn't realize how much children change in just a year, and that was what made me realize. Then we got into the car, went to in and out (which was delicious) and started our journey of sightseeing. We went everywhere (or so it seemed) and the whole time I couldn't believe I had even doubted that my sister would remember me. She was smiling at me and touching my nose, showing me how smart she was. When I reached for her she would put her arms up so I could hold her. I couldn't believe how much she had grown and changed; her hair was longer than mine, and she was walking!! She was more active while watching barney, mimicking the children's moves and dances instead of just watching like she used to. She was amazing. She had changed from a baby to a toddler, and my regret was not being there to see it. I really want to move out there within the year, that's one of my New Year's goals. It's something that I need to do for myself, because I know if not I'm only going to have regret. I want to be the one in the sunshine taking her to the park and uploading pictures for you guys to see, not just mooching them off of my mom to second hand show you :( On the bright side, we are planning a visit for my birthday in May, so I'm looking forward to that immensely!! :) Now on to some of my favorite pictures from the best vacation: